The Letter
by of-mice-and-merch
Summary: Phan one shot in which Phil kinda confesses to Dan but things don't go as planned


Phil looked at the alarm on his nightstand. 3 in the morning. He sighed and shuffled out from under his blanket, making his way to the living room. He was almost expecting to see a different time when he glanced up at the clock on the wall, hoping and fearing simultaneously that his tiredness had been playing at trick on him. Not this time though. The glowing numbers made him flinch and stung in his eyes, sitting in the dark for hours on end was slowly taking it's toll on him. It wasn't that he wasn't tired, to be honest not even exhausted could describe his current state anymore but there was something he needed to finish and Phil had decided that he wasn't going to postpone it any longer. Picking up another few sheets of paper he turned around and walked back to his room. Just as he was about to close his door behind himself, he heard a soft voice speak up.

"Phil? You still awake?" He spun around to face his flatmate, Dan. "I heard you rummaging around for a while now, everything okay?" He sounded genuinely concerned.

"Yeah, I just couldn't fall asleep, is all. Did I wake you up?" It wasn't quite the truth but like hell was he going to tell his best friend that it was basically his fault Phil was still up at this time.

"No, I was still scrolling through twitter and trying to edit some videos. Guess I'll go to bed now then if everything's fine with you. Sleep well." He took a step back into his room and hesitated for a second before adding: "You should try a warm blanket and some cereal, that usually helps." and then, right before his door closed in an even quieter voice, barely audible: "You know, if nothing works, there's always a place for you in my room."

A small smile appeared on Phils face followed by a deep frown. Sitting down on his bed he stared into the darkness, allowing his mind to wander back to one of his favourite memories, a day almost exactly 4 years ago. It still felt like it must have been one of his happiest days, especially after everything had been going downhill the years before. Almost 4 years, it was hard to believe how far he had come and how much had changed, luckily to the better. 4 years ago. It had been 4 years ago that the two guys had moved in together and neither of them regretted it, not even for a single second (except for the times Phil emptied the cereal and forgot to buy a new pack, Dan hated that). They had grown so close to each other that not even the term 'best friends' was enough to describe the friendship they shared any longer. Unfortunately that wasn't the only thing that had changed over the past months. In the beginning Phil had still tried to deny how fast Dan had grown to be a frighteningly important part of his life but it wasn't for long that he was able to lie to himself like this. Now, more than thousand days later, it was obvious to him that his best friend wasn't just a friend anymore, hell, not even a crush. Phil had fallen head over heels in love with Dan.

Point being, the feelings for his best friend were what kept Phil awake at this hour. After days and weeks of pondering as well as thinking of and going over every possible outcome again and again, he had finally decided to come clean with Dan, even though he feared what would follow afterwards. Actually telling his best friend how he felt had never been an option, so Phil had chosen to write a letter and give it to Dan on their anniversary of moving in together, somehow he felt like it'd be the right moment. Writing had never been one of Phil's strengths but it turned out that it was even harder than he had ever imagined. His bed was full of crumpled pieces of paper, each one full of scribbles, half finished sentences and crossed out words. By now he had almost given up, allowing himself to try one more time before giving in and going to sleep. Phil took a deep breath, picked up his pen and started to write:

" _Dear Dan,_

 _it's been 4 years now that we've moved in together and I can honestly say that living with you was the best thing that could happen to me, you can't even imagine how grateful I am to have you as my best friend. Yet, there is something I might not have been fully honest about towards you and I'm still not hundred percent sure whether now's the right time to tell you or if I should tell you at all, but I feel like it might eat me alive if I keep quiet._

 _I really don't want to ruin our friendship with this, I hope we can still be as close as we were, honestly, I wouldn't even mind if you acted like this never happened. I'm pretty freaking terrified that you're going to be creeped out by me or even worse, won't want me as your best friend any longer but I've gotta get this out now._

 _Dan, I just want you to know that over the last few years you've grown to be such a big part of my life that it actually scares me, I'm terribly afraid of being without you. I feel like I've finally found a place where I belong and this place isn't London or our flat, it's with you. God, this must sound so stupid and crazy and fucked up to you…_

 _I simply feel so comfortable around you that I don't even care anymore what's going on around me. It's like everything's alright when I'm with you and I'm so thankful for that, that and all the times you made me smile and cheered me up, the times you were there for me though I was never able to do something for you in return. I couldn't be happier whenever I'm with you and I never want to lose this._

 _I'm kinda missing the point now, I'll just make it short, otherwise I'll never get it out, okay, here I go: I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm horribly in love with you, so much it physically hurts to look at you and I really am becoming desperate because I don't understand and I can't handle all that. I'm not expecting you to make a big deal out of this, hell I'm not even sure what I'm expecting you to do, and I don't even want to start imagining you returning my feelings, that'd be ridiculous, I just hope nothing's going to change and you'll still want to have me around, I honestly wouldn't know what to do otherwise._

 _You mean the world to me Dan, and I don't want to lose that, I can't lose that. If you could just assure me that things will stay the same, I'd be the happiest man in the universe. I won't let my feelings interfere with our friendship, I promise, I don't want to lose you._

 _I'm so sorry but I just had to get that out._

 _-Phil_ "

He sighed, folded the paper in half and then carefully spelled out " _To Dan_ " on the front side before laying it down next to his alarm clock.

"I can't believe I actually did this." He murmured to himself and turned to his side, allowing sleep to take over in the fraction of a second.

—– the next morning —

Dan woke up exhausted after being up until close to 5, worrying about his best friend. He turned off his alarm which he had decided to set on 7 o'clock the night before. Usually he never got up before 9 but he cared so much for Phil that he just _had_ to get up to make sure he was okay. Especially after he had noticed that his best friend seemed to be getting in a bad state again, Dan hadn't seen him like this in a long time. He carefully got up as to not make a noise that would wake Phil up and walked towards his flatmates room where he quietly knocked at the door. His soft tap echoed through the silent flat. Even though there was no response on the other side, or especially because there was none, Dan decided to peek inside to check on his friend. He stepped inside, as quietly as physically possible, to find him fast asleep on his bed in the midst of umpteen pieces of paper. Smiling and relieved he adjusted Phils crumpled blanket and turned to leave to get some more sleep himself. Just as he was about to step outside, he caught a glimpse of something that sparked his interest: a letter with his name on it. Dan knew he wasn't in the position to just pick up and read it, but being Dan he did it nonetheless. Even though his conscious was telling him not to he decided to act against it, there clearly was his name on the paper and after all he knew his best friend didn't know another Dan, so it had to be for him, at least that was what Dan told himself to justify his curiosity. He opened the letter and started reading.

His eyes widened in shock.

—– a few hours later —-

Phil woke up around noon. Having a terrible headache from getting not enough sleep he headed towards the kitchen to get some water. Opening the cupboard door he jumped slightly, catching sight of his best friend sitting silently at the kitchen table, staring at the cup of cocoa that stood in front of him.

"Geez Dan, you startled me." There was no response.

"Dan?" Still nothing.

"Hey, Dan!" He waved his hand in front of his best friends face who slowly seemed to regain consiousness.

"Huh? Oh, Phil, morning." He blinked a few times before focusing back on the cup in his hands.

"What's wrong? You look like you've been hit by a brick."

"I'm just tired, is all." Averting his gaze he took a sip of his drink and grimaced. "Aw man, it's cold." Phil chuckled and was just about to sit down and make a pointless remark when his best friend got up and basically fled the room.

"I- uh, I still have to do this thing and anyway, I'll see you later, I guess." And with that he took his jacket and keys and left.

"Well that was awkward." Phil scratched his head and stared at the door. He absolutely didn't know what could've made Dan act that way but he felt like he was trying to avoid him. He returned to his room and dropped down on his bed, burying his face in the countless pillows. After brushing the remains of last nights writing fit away, he crawled under the sheets and fell into an uneasy sleep.

—- later that day —

Phil woke up soaked with sweat. It was late afternoon, meaning he had slept a few hours, but he didn't feel refreshed at all, quite the contrary. The flat was silent, it didn't seem like his best friend had returned yet but Phil still got up to look, just to be sure. After an unsuccessful search he checked his phone to see if he had missed a call while asleep, but nothing, not even a text. He started to worry and decided to ring his flatmate, better safe and sorry than the other way around.

"Hey, you have reached the voice mail of Dan, I'm currently busy doing stuff, just leave a message and I'll call back if I remember. Or you better call Phil, he's more likely going to answer. Bye."

"Dan, it's me, call me back please." He hung up and started pacing the room nervously, Dan had his phone basically glued to his hand, he usually returned at least his best friends calls. Just to make sure he actually received the messages Phil sent an additional text asking him to call. But even hours later there was no reply and the boy had grown horribly anxious. It was already dark outside when he finally heard the relieving _clack_ that their door made when being unlocked.

"Dan! I was worried, why didn't you get in touch with me?" But without saying a word his flatmate just brushed past him and walked towards his room. Phil turned around and grabbed his wrist, he wasn't going to let Dan leave that easily this time.

"Hey, I was talking to you." Phil was now hundred percent sure his best friend was trying to avoid him, he didn't even bother looking at him. It didn't look like he was actually _avoiding_ him though, more like there was something troubling him.

"You know you can talk about anything to me, right? Please just tell me what's wrong."

"I already told you it's nothing Phil, just leave me alone."

"I'm not stupid Dan! Why don't you let me help? I hate when you're distraught and you won't tell me what's going on!" The older one wasn't actually upset, it just freaked him out that his best friend was always trying to deal with stuff all on his own without even giving him the chance to help.

"Well and I hate being with you!" his flatmate retorted, clearly regretting it straight away.

"What?" Phil immediately let go of his friends wrist and stepped backwards. He was sure he had just imagined these words, there was no way Dan could have said something like that, right?

"That's true, I hate being around you right now because I feel so freaking terrible and guilty at the moment that I can't even stand looking you in the eye."

"I don't understand anything Dan, can you _please_ just tell me what's going on?" Phils voice almost got drowned out as a tear slipped down his cheek. His best friend fell silent, he looked devastated as he mustered up all his courage to speak up again.

"I- I read your letter." He sad silently, looking at the floor, awkwardly trying to avoid eye contact.

"You did _what_?" Phils sadness turned into mere shock.

"I didn't mean to, really, I just- you know how curious I am and I saw it laying there and I couldn't stop myself." He looked pleadingly at his best friend, expecting him to freak out or anything but he showed no apparent reaction.

"Hey, I really am sorry and I totally get if you're mad at me but then please just say it, don't look at me like that, please. Just say something Phil." Dans plea was answered by silence. It took a long time until the other boy finally spoke up in a small voice.

"So you've read my letter?"

"Yeah." Dan knew he could have apologized again, but he also knew that this wasn't just about him disrespecting his flatmates privacy, so he didn't.

"I see." Phil smiled bitterly. Neither of the boys knew how to continue the conversation so the silence took over the room again.

"Is that why you've been behaving weirdly and looked like you hadn't slept in days lately?" Dan questioned, hoping to finally understand what'd been going on with his best friend. Phil seemed to be at a loss of what to say so he just gave a slight, hesitant nod.

"So it's my fault, huh?" He smiled bitterly before his face went dull again. "God, I'm so sorry Phil, if I had only known. Fuck, I am so so terribly sorry." He took a step forward with intent to give his best friend a hug but then abruptly stopped as the other boy spoke up.

"It's not _your_ fault Dan, it's mine. I swore I wouldn't let my feelings affect our friendship and now look what happened. All of that is entirely my fault and I can't apologize enough for fucking up everything." He took another step back, increasing the distance between the two boys. "I'm well aware that I don't deserve you and that I'm horribly fucked up. I promise you won't have to worry about that anymore, I'll do whatever it takes but please just let us still be friends Dan, please." Phil was nothing more than a sobbing mess, he was trying to pull himself together, yes, but that didn't really work at all.

"You think that's fucked up?" To be honest, Dan didn't really know how to respond, he was way too busy being overwhelmed by what his flatmate had just said. His eyes darted back and forth while he was trying to figure out how to continue.

"Yes, I mean, I'm scared that in a few weeks or months of time you'll realize how much better off you'd be without me and that you deserve to have proper friends around." Phil added sheepishly. There was a long silence before Dan gathered his courage and spoke up again.

"You're right." He hung his head, staring at the floor.

"I am?" Phils eyes flooded with tears again.

"Yeah. I- I don't think I want you as my best friend anymore." Dan sighed and looked up. But the other boy didn't reply, after all he hadn't expected for him to react this way. Phil knew for sure that things would go downhill from now on and like hell would he try to hide how much that was hurting him.

"Phil?" Dan stepped closer until both guys were only a few inches apart. "I don't want you as only my best friend anymore." He gently lifted his flatmates face up and carefully wiped his tears away, never breaking eye-contact. Then, taking him by surprise, he lightly kissed him on the lips.

"I want you as my boyfriend."


End file.
